Ms. Varga, is it possible you have a burn-out?

It was February 2017. I was working as a trainer and coach, conducting workshops and 1-on-1 coaching sessions. I’ve always loved supporting other people and I really enjoyed working with adults and adolescents, but the job was very stressful. Every morning I had a 4-hour workshop, then a short break, which I mostly used to move between offices, and in the afternoon the 1-on-1 coachings.
It was a somewhat fulfilling but very energy-consuming job.

For a long time, I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I had no energy, couldn’t fall asleep at night, my heart was always racing, I started forgetting things, my eyesight got worse, I felt dizzy more and more often and got irritated even by little things easily. I felt fatigued and couldn’t motivate myself to do the shopping or run errands, not even to water my precious plants in the flat.
I knew something was off. The joyful and positive Betty who used to motivate others and was always in for some fun, didn’t know anymore how to relax or recharge her batteries.
Most importantly, I had no idea how to get out of that spiral which was taking me down on a road that wasn’t very promising.

Then on a Saturday afternoon, when I couldn’t force myself to get up from the sofa after a nap that was supposed to take 20 minutes not 2,5 hours, I really started worrying.
This whole thing just wasn’t me. I didn’t know when I lost myself and what really scared me, I didn’t know how to get back to my normal, happy self.
When the dizziness got more frequent, I decided to go to the doctor and ask for a blood test. I thought I must have been missing some vitamins and nutrients. That should be it.

Of course, I wasn’t eating healthy, I was always in a rush and didn’t have time for it, but I was sure some supplements would do it. I just needed a check-up to find out which ones.
After running the tests and listening to my description of the situation, the doctor asked me one question:
“Ms. Varga, is it possible you have a burn-out?”

That question shocked me. I was always there for others and spread inspiration and happiness around me, I couldn’t have burn-out. It just wasn’t possible.
I didn’t know exactly what the signs of a burn-out were and I was a bit scared to find it out. The doctor put me on sick leave and gave me some pills for sleeping (which I decided not to take).
At home, I googled the symptoms and I could tick off 28 out of 32! It was getting serious!

I am very grateful that I had such an understanding doctor who was willing to see the whole picture.
He supported me in any way he could and insisted that I talked to a psychotherapist. I wasn’t that happy about the idea but gave in since I didn’t know how to get out of that negative spiral.

So, I called the phone number he gave me and the lovely assistant on the other end told me that they had an appointment available in 4 months. I thought she was kidding. I told her in 4 months either I get better by myself or I’m dead. She told me how sorry she was but she couldn’t give me an earlier appointment.

I had one more option, called another service and fortunately, I could have my first session with a psychotherapist that very week because somebody canceled all his appointments with her. I appreciated her help very much. Every time I opened up to her about my struggles and worries, she gave me the feeling that we were on the same page.
I visited her once a week for 10 weeks, my entire sick leave.

I had plenty of time to think and decided not to go back to my job as a trainer & coach. I just couldn’t.
When I tried to imagine working with people again, I felt my stomach cringe. That wasn’t an option.
After a healing period of 8 months, I applied for a part-time job as an assistant and have hidden in an office for almost 2 years. The team was small, just the three of us, and I rarely had contact to customers and contractors in person. I used this time to slowly open up again.

It was a long way until I found back to myself. More about it in the next story.